miley-cyrus-bangerz-deluxe-new-songOnce upon a time young Destiny Hope Cyrus was like any little girl, the apple of her daddy’s eye. It just so happened that her daddy was Mr Achy Breaky Heart himself, the man behind the mullet, Billy Ray Cyrus. Destiny soon became Miley and the Cyrus family decided to make the ground breaking television show Hannah Montana. With young Miley spending lots of quality time with her father; what could possibly go wrong? Flash forward several years and Miley Cyrus is better known for spanking dwarves, sticking her tongue out and gyrating on a Canadian Beetlejuice just in time for the release of her latest album ‘Bangerz’ of course.

Adore You kicks off proceedings, a slow track that seems to consistently repeat “ooooh” or “baby”. Full of auto-tune and unbelievably boring, this song should never have been written. It sounds like something from a South Park sketch about writing a generic pop tune, only with less thought put into it.

We Can’t Stop is Miley’s first attempt at being a grown up and fails miserably because nothing says “Take me seriously I’m a grown up” like singing about drug use and acting like a stripper. Lyrically embarrassing referring to “dancing with molly” and “trying to get a line in the bathroom” and backed up by a dull melody, if you haven’t given up listening by now it must be because you want to hear some of the star collaborations.

Thankfully you don’t have to wait long because Britney makes an appearance on SMS (Bangerz). But even Queen Britney cannot save this monstrosity. The pointless repetition of the F-word adds nothing to the song and seems utterly childish. One can only assume the curses were added in to distract from the rest of the song, or lack thereof. Maybe if the song had a powerful meaning or feeling it could ring true, but SMS (Bangerz) doesn’t seem to be about anything at all, other than Miley’s ability to strut.

Words cannot describe how terrible this album is lyrically. Here is a selection of some of the worst offenders  to make your own conclusions on. Make sure to read all these imagining them in auto-tune. “Driving so fast ’bout to piss on myself.” (4×4) Classy Miley, classy. “Cause we gonna make a movie, a movie, and it’s gonna be in 3D, in 3D” (My Darlin’) Err, right ok. “My heart’ll light a fire in this bitch and blow it” (Love Money Party) This line comes right after discussing one night stands; you just know Billy Ray is weeping into his cowboy boots at this point wondering where he went wrong. “You’re sexy sexy, I got things I want to do to you, make me make me, make my tongue just go do-do-do.” (#GETITRIGHT) By now Billy Ray is reaching for the whiskey. This is actually one of the tamer lyrics from the song *shudder* “I got two, ooh letters for you, one of them is F and the other one is U.” (FU) Sooooo mature Miley. “It’s bananas like a fucking ‘rangatang bitch.” (Do My Thang) No, no idea what that means either.

The best song on the album without a shadow of a doubt is Wrecking Ball (although the Sinead O’Connor mash-up is leagues ahead). It is the first and only time you get to see that Miss Cyrus actually has a tender side and quite a beautiful voice when not masked by awful auto-tune. However, thanks to her headline grabbing video it is impossible to listen to the track without thinking about her swinging out of and licking building equipment in the nip. Take note any young pop princesses out there; if you want to be taken seriously don’t release a good, credible song and then make sure no one listens to it because they’re too weirded out by your oddly unsexy naked video. You can actually get people talking with music alone!

Here we have an example of Miley Cyrus trying to show the world she is a grown up and credible artist. Sadly the entire album has the reverse effect; it reeks of immaturity and sounds like something a bored fifteen year old boy would write in his bedroom – a not particularly talented fifteen year old boy at that. Madonna, Cyrus is not and frankly she has just humiliated herself with this pitiful excuse for music. Cursing does not make you credible, drug references are not edgy and talking about nocturnal activities (badly) when the majority of your fans are kids isn’t cool. On a side note, should you see Billy Ray Cyrus please give him a hug, God knows the poor man could probably do with one.

When Christopher Guest and Co. wrote the infamous two word review sketch in Spinal Tap, they probably never envisioned that an artist would, not only rise to the challenge, but exceed it, by creating an album so bad that it doesn’t even deserve to be christened “Shit sandwich“. ‘Bangerz’ should come with a free appointment with Agent K from M.I.B. to erase your mind with a neuralyzer.