The Beards are all about beards. Really they are. They’re playing in Belfast and Dublin for the first time in February, and have released three albums, with a fourth due soon, all about the subject of facial hair. So what’s really going on beneath all the beard? We spoke to Johann Beardraven to find out.
To kick things off, we asked Johann for a few details on The Beards’ upcoming album. “We’re very excited, we’ve released three albums entirely about beards already, but we feel there’s still lots to say about them, so we’re back to work in the studio and the album will be out in about April or May this year.”
The band are showing no loss of enthusiasm even four albums in to their career.“People are assuming we’ll run out of ideas, but in fact because we’re growing these beards longer and longer all the time, we find that the more bearded we get, it becomes easier to write songs, because we get so inspired by our own beards. And because our beards are longer we become more knowledgeable and wiser about beards, so really we feel our songs are getting better and better as our beards get better and better.”
There’s obviously quite an obvious theme to The Beards’ back catalogue, but have they ever considered branching out into other subjects, moustaches perhaps? “Look, we should put that out there straight away, we don’t care for moustaches at all, they are a poor man’s beard. I’ve actually tried to write songs not about beards and I just couldn’t do it, anything that isn’t about beards is just a waste of time to me. I am just so committed to my beard and so into beards that it’s not possible to do anything else.”
The Beards have brought quite a few laughs to the world along with their bearded message, but would they consider themselves comedians, musicians, or just bearded men? “Bearded men first and foremost certainly. Music is just a vehicle that we use to get our beard-related message across. We certainly don’t consider it to be comedic; I know some people accuse us of being a novelty band but that’s not how we see ourselves, we are dead serious about beards that’s for sure.”
Having toured around the world, The Beards have been exposed to many different cultures, and their opinions on beards, so we asked Johann what cultures have responded to the bearded message the most. “We do notice that certain countries tend to have more impressive beards than others. Our message has been pretty well received, we’re a very convincing band. Once people see us they realise that growing a beard is a very good thing to do, and that they should definitely have a beard.
“We’ve been out to change a lot of attitudes towards beards, particularly in Australia, we’ve been touring around here for a while. When we started there wasn’t that many beards, they just weren’t in at the time and through a lot of hard work we managed to see a lot of new beards growing around us. Probably the best beards we’ve seen on tour was Scotland, and Canada, they were the two biggest bearded populations.”
Safe to say then that climate has a factor on beard growth? “It is good to have a beard when it’s cold, but beards are really good in summer too, right now it’s a bit of a heatwave down here, but you can use your beard to cool yourself down by splashing water into it and it creates a cooling layer around your face. Beards are good any time of year.”
Despite the band’s efforts, the population of the world is not quite 100% bearded, and many of these non-bearded folk listen to the band’s music. Johann responds; “That’s a tricky one, obviously we would prefer everyone to have a beard but we do understand that people without beards are still potential beards. So we would like them to hear our music and heed our message and decide afterward that they will grow a beard. That’s what we want to see happen.
“People without beards can still come to the shows but we’d prefer if they stood at the back so the bearded men can come to the front. And preferably if you don’t have a beard you keep your face away from the stage, that’s also appreciated.” So what if a non-beard made it to the front of a show? “We would be quite likely to make an example of them, but we would certainly hope that if they were at the front of the crowd that they are really taking in our message and that they would decide to never shave again from that point on.”
We moved to discuss a very important issue of the beard life; the role of women in a bearded society, and their inability to grow beards. “They tend to claim that they can’t grow beards, but we don’t really buy that, we just think they’re not trying hard enough. Women can support beards in other ways though, encouraging their partner to grow a beard, only dating bearded men and wearing a fake beard at all times.
“We like to think there are bearded women out there who are afraid to come out and be proud of their beards. We think there’s a lot of prejudice in society towards bearded women, and we’re just trying to change attitudes towards beards and in particular bearded women, so we’d encourage bearded women to be proud of their facial hair to come out and not be ashamed.”
With so many fine beards existing in the band, there’s surely some form of rivalry between beards. Johann denies this and says “No, we don’t really like things like beard contests or competing within the bearded community as to having a better beard then someone else, we think that bearded men need to stick together. We don’t like encouraging inter-beard rivalry. It’s just making sure you have a beard, that’s the main thing.”
An important part of a beard is maintaining it and keeping it in shape, so we asked Johann to disclose the secrets to his lush beard. “I do lots of things. I make sure to shampoo and condition, every day I comb. I spend a lot of time looking, just admiring my beard in the mirror, I find that really helps stimulate positive bearded thoughts, and I think if you’re thinking positively about your beard then it helps your beard look healthy and lush. That’s really important. Stroking you beard as much as you can, making your beard feel loved. I also like to just yell the word beard. Again just creating a positive bearded environment.”
There is a lot of work involved with beard upkeep, so we asked Johann what are the main advantages of having a beard. He responded with relish: “A beard pretty much makes you better in every way. Better looking obviously, more intelligent, better at love-making, or building a house. When we started playing in the band we could barely play our instruments, but as our beards got bigger we just got better at playing our instruments and writing songs and now we’re just kings among men really.”
Next we tested Johann and described a situation where he has been kidnapped and must choose between losing his legs, or his beard. “Unfortunately in that instance I would never be walking again in order to save my beard. I’m just really into having a beard. I would rather die than have my beard shaved off.”
And if another band member were to lose a beard in some sort of horrific accident? “We would have to kick them out. And I think they would understand as well. They would expect that if they didn’t have a beard, that would be the end of our working relationship. Obviously we hope that never happens, but if it did happen the unfortunate fact of the matter would be they would have to go. I would trust that any member who lost their beard in a freak accident would kill themselves before we see them without a beard anyway.”
Continuing in this slightly dark theme, we asked Johann if he ever thought beards would ever die out from global-warming or pollution, or just from not being fashionable anymore. “That’s a depressing thought. I can’t ever imagine living in a beard-less world. That’s a really troubling image, and that’s made me a bit sad actually. I trust that humans will continue to evolve and that beard evolution would be part of that and so that even if we end up in a post-apocalyptic wasteland that beards would be the surviving element of mankind. I would assume.”
Having consoled Johann enough for him to carry on, we decided to cheer him up by asking about his favourite animal. “Bearded dragons are pretty good. We have them down here, they’re lizards and have a beard type thing going on. A lion of course, with its beard-like mane is pretty good. I attached a fake beard to a stray dog I saw on the street the other day actually. So he’s probably doing well now ’cause of that. It’s a good look.”
The Beards are of course a music band, so we tried to get back on topic and discussed some of Johann’s biggest influences. “Any good bearded band. We can give you ZZ Top, and The Beatles through their bearded era were very good, Seasick Steve is another big influence. The problem with most musicians and bands is that they tend to write songs that are not only about beards. They have good beards which is a start, but we would rather they only write songs about beards. And no one else is really doing that right now, so we tend to take a lot of inspiration from our own songs because they’re so beardy.”
The band have built up quite a reputation for having fantastic videos, so would a move into film be that much of a stretch for the group? “We would definitely consider it. Music is just the chosen vehicle for getting our pro-beard message across, our propaganda if you will. If given the opportunity to branch into film that’d be good. We put a fair bit of work into our film clips, to make them nice and beardy. Any other ways to spread our message be it film, stage performance, or cult maybe. Whatever it is we need to do, we’ll do it.”
What advice does Johann have then for the young men of this world struggling to grow their beards? Well… “The important thing is to not shave. That’s the biggest mistake most people make. Even if you think it looks patchy, just give it time, let it grow, and the beard will not let you down. You might have to wait a little while, but in the meantime you can wear a fake beard and listen to The Beards. That’s been proven to accelerate beard growth.”
And how can external pressure from friends and family to cut your beard be combatted? “The best thing you can do if you’re getting hassle is not to listen to them, and stand strong and stand up for your beard. If you need to quit your job or dump your wife, then you should do that. We’ve all done that, and we’re all poor and lonely now, but we have really good beards, and that’s all that matters.”
Finally we quizzed Johann on what possible plans for world domination the band are hatching. All in the name of beards of course. “If it comes to that, we’ll have to stage a bearded, military style coup. Hopefully we can all grow beards peacefully though, and all have beards together. BEARDS”
Well, there you have it. That was Johann Beardraven and his magnificent beard. The band will be playing the Black Box, Belfast on the 19th of February, and in Whelans, Dublin on the 20th. And keep this in mind, all you not-yet-bearded readers, “We’re excited to see what beards Ireland have to offer. There’s still a bit of time before we get there so everyone can grow beards in preparation of our arrival.”